Friday, April 3, 2009

Crazy Times

So, I was not abducted by the lady that was stalking me, but I HAVE been in a very crazy week. I don't even know how to blog all the craziness, as I don't have any pictures of the drama that is going on in my mind right now....and I have a hard time writing without pictures. So, what if I just post pictures of what went on in our house today, but tell the story of my struggles underneath the pictures....even if they have nothing to do with each other.
(Sammy doing his best Beach Boys impression while singing "Surfin' Safari")
So, for one, we found out that the realtor that was selling the house we have been trying to buy for 6 months was completely corrupt. He was trying to buy the house we had put an offer on himself, but through an investment company that he is part of on the side. Thus, he buried our offer until last week...last week! As in, he didn't even present our offer back in November at all!
(Matt's famous pizza which has saved me from cooking this week. Crust recipe to follow)

Somehow, through a series of bizarre circumstances, the seller ends up calling my realtor and asking her when we had presented our offer, (which was much higher than the one the corrupt realtor was trying to get him to accept). When he found out that we had offered to buy about 5 months ago, he was furious. He is literally flying in today to fire his realtor and threaten to sue them if they don't let him out of his agreement with them. Then, he says, he'd like to accept our offer. Well, we'll see!
(The tools I ordered for Sammy from Montessori Services. Fabulous!)

(I do have to be excited for a second about these tools that came in the mail for Sammy's birthday. Remember these? I mentioned them a few posts ago. He's going to be so excited!) So, anyway, who knows what's going to happen with the house...but can you believe the craziness? First, I get the weird stalker lady, and now corrupt realtor...good life.
(The movie I grew up watching continuously...being from Kansas and all...and which my kids are in love with right now. Sammy asked me tonight if I'm "a good witch or a bad witch")

So the next thing that is keeping me up at night is a sorta-kinda-possible teacher assistant job that I'm just a tiny bit thinking about. It would be at the school that Claire and Sammy go to. A few of the teachers have casually mentioned to me that maybe I could do it next year, but it hasn't been actually offered or anything. But, all of a's keeping me up at night. I have these visions of Claire at the Waldorf 1st grade learning to knit and laughing with her friends, Sammy in the kindergarten, building forts with his buddies, and me helping in the class next door. We'd all be on the same schedule, and see each other a lot, but not be battling each other constantly...our different temperaments, needs, etc.
(Claire's most recent sewing project at home: bean bags for Sammy's birthday! She intends to make one for each letter of his name: S-A-M-U-E-L)

But then the guilt sets in. As I mentioned, at this point I don't even know if they are really offering me the position, but that isn't even what really matters. What scares me is how quickly I was "up for it" and ready to drop all our homeschooling plans at a moments notice. Now, I'm not consistent with these feelings. Because at night, I'm not okay with it. At night, I feel awful that I ever considered working outside our home. At night, I run down to Claire's room and cry and smell her hair and apologize to God that I ever wanted to have any moments away from anyone else this schizophrenic? Seriously....
(Claire playing UNO with our neighbor "Little Brian". They are very competitive about it)

I love teaching Claire...and I love teaching Sammy for that matter. Granted, at this point, with Sam, we are just barely working on letter sounds and his REAL favorite thing is throwing rocks into the "pond" which is a flooded area of a construction site down the street, but regardless....
(The easter bunnies and easter baskets from the kids' school. The bowl is filled with grass seeds, so by Easter it will be a bowl of long grass...very Spring!)

The problem, as usual (with me) is the execution. I like teaching her stuff...I like making stuff with her...I like throwing rocks with Sam. But somehow, somewhere, inside, I crave some kind of structure. I like that we have to get to school by 8:45am. I like when we have to do things at a certain time. Because, left to my own devices, I do things all crazy-like. Phonics and math when we feel like it; crafts when we're up to it. And then, when I'm done with all of it, I want to take off. I want to go to the store, get in the car, and drive away. I want space from it all and a break. And how do you get a real break when you're homeschooling? So, I daydream...about us all being on a schedule.

(Claire, working intently on her present for Sam. His birthday is April 22nd. He'll be 4....going on 24).

But whenI look at this picture of Claire sewing bean bags for Sammy's birthday present, I hate myself. Why would I ever want a break from this? Why can't I get my act together and just be a good homeschooling mom. And so I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the teacher to call and tell me if they need an assistant or not. I'm waiting to find out if I'll chose to be a) the mom I should be or, b) a big fat failure who chickens out from what I intended to do with my kids and runs away to the next thing. And honestly, I don't know where I am at right now. I guess we'll find out this weekend.


Ellen said...

Hey, Susan. I love following your blog! I miss our talks during our Elliot days!

Just wanted to mention one thing that struck me when I read, "I'm waiting to find out if I'll chose to be a) the mom I should be or, b) a big fat failure who chickens out from what I intended to do with my kids and runs away to the next thing."

I don't necessarily think that reevaluating what works best for you and your kids (and then coming up with a different answer than what you once thought would be best) should be termed "failure". It could be that homeschooling is best, or it could be that some externally imposed structure is best. Just from reading your blog, I have no doubt that you are an awesome mom--and you'll continue to be an awesome mom no matter which option you choose, in my humble opinion. XOXO

mimi said...

I have so many thoughts after reading this post:) I swear, I want to adopt you and your sister as my little sisters. Or maybe, could you adopt me....your house always seems so warm and fun!

Anyway, that is such a crazy and corrupt realtor story. I love that everyone is finding out the truth. Also, trust in God's timing with all of it. Can't wait to see how it turns out.

Homeschooling...The end of this school yr feels and flows so differently than the beginning did. I found that it takes a little time to find your groove and allow that it may be so different than Sally Homeschooler down the road. I struggled with finding a schedule and then realized that our routine was just fine.And I have finally learned to not compare,pheww. If a tight schedule is what you want/need...fine. But, what you described as a possible day for you is fine too. That's what's awesome about can take tangents when you want. Having the Waldorf background is an amazing make me want to move to Chicago and join that school! I have so much more to say-but I'll stop;)

With that being said...if you choose to teach and send the kids to the school...that is fine too. You ARE an incredible mom, nothing will change that. I'll stop now:)

Have a great day my friend :)

ohio12 said...

I am so happy to say that I knew ALL of those stories already! I should since I am your sister, but it doesn't always happen that way.

I have been thinking about you a lot. I just want you to be happy and at peace. I hope the house and job issues resolve themselves soon!