Monday, February 23, 2009

Woman-ing up

So, I'm on a mission to become a better woman. A more disciplined woman. A woman who does her best with what she has been given.

In my "parent group" at church, we have been talking about our greatest fears. The discussion was based on the sermon our pastor gave where he talked about Peter walking on the water. His fear was obviously drowning when he was walking on the water towards Jesus. Pastor Daniel talked about how Peter could have just stayed in the boat and NOT gone to Jesus, so he asked us what our big fear was and what our "boat" was, meaning, where our comfort zone is that we could stay to avoid facing our fears.

Anyway, the discussion has been really good for men and women alike. We are finally starting to KNOW a few deeper things about each other. A lot of us have fears of not ever living up to what God wants us to be. Some have fears of not finding their specific "calling" (which of course prompted discussion on what that means exactly). It's funny to see the personalities come out around this topic. All the A-type personalities are most afraid of failure or looking bad to people. Others are more afraid of not getting to do all they WANT to do in life. Some have had bad life experiences and are afraid that they are unlovable or that the love in their lives will somehow fail and go away because they have been hurt so many times in life. It's been good.

Mine was definitely that I'm afraid I'll always be "medium". I'm so all-or-nothing about life that unless I can do something really well, I sometimes just don't bother. I guess it's my inner perfectionist mixed with laziness or something. I'd love to be a missionary in China or to start an children's home or something, but on a smaller scale I won't just tell my neighbor about the Lord, you know? I'd love to be a full-time teacher because I feel like I have lots of ideas that could help children from our neighborhood with their education, but just going on Wednesdays to tutor for a coule hours feels like a drop-in-the-bucket. See what I mean? If I'm not doing something ALL the way, I don't feel like it counts or something, so then I get discouraged about what I AM able to do and just want to quit.

I want to be a great organized mom and be patient and teach my children at home and be a great loving wife....but at the end of the day, when I feel like I have not done very well, I just start to give up and stop trying because I feel like I'm not cutting it anyway. So, I guess my fear is that I won't ever be as good of a person as God would want me to be (or even as good as I'd like to be) so my "boat" is whatever you call "doing nothing".

For instance, I joined a gym so that I'd start working out more, but right now my schedule only permits me to go a couple times a week, so I feel like I may as well quit and not do it. What's twice a week? Nothing! I'll never have a rock-star body with twice a week. But..........I need to go anyway. It's a good discipline, and it helps me be in a better mood. Other things I do this same thing with:

I don't read the Bible or pray very often because I don't think I'll have enough time to do it "good enough" .

I don't send Birthday cards or even presents because they won't be as creative as I'd like them to be.

I don't bother calling certain people EVER because I feel like I should call them more regularly.

I skip going to the gym twice a week because I feel like I should go daily.

I hang out here on the computer ignoring my children because I'm always thinking that one day I'm going to happen upon a blog or a website that will help me be the perfect mom or something, (meanwhile my kids are in the living room saying "will you READ this to me mom?")

Well, anyway, you probably get the point. But the point for ME is that I need to woman-up and get back on the horse. I need to decide that even though what I have to offer may never be quite as great/creative/perfect as I'd like it to be, that I need to do the best I can with what I am. My fear should not be an excuse to stay in the boat being lazy and crying about how I could "just do more if...."

So, here I am on my way to the gym. And since Matt is out of town this week, I'm going to have to do some serious playing with the kids. And I'm going to read my Bible. And I'm going to send my baby sister a birthday gift...even if it's late. Even if it's just a gift card and not something awesome and well-though-out and creative. Alright, here I go.


On the Verge said...

I love you Suse.

ohio12 said...

I can certainly sympathize with the "all or nothing" paralysis! I fight it too. I have also been trying to push through it and not let my pride get in the way. God is teaching me that I can't do any of it outside the power of the Holy Spirit.